Jason Caldwell has extensive Behaviour Management experience working as a school Principal and a home schooling families advisor. If you have concerns in this area please give Jason a call on 07 32995357.

"I have put some notes here for families as a guide but we need to remember that we are all different and sometimes one families problem will be very different to anothers. If a family or student is having difficulties I prefer to meet and work with the family to ensure that they get to the bottom of issues and a resolution that works".   

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Helpful keys for childrens behaviour and family interactions

1. Make up and discuss as a family a “Family Treaty or agreement…” The product will be a chart on the wall –clear and tangible.

Showing the clear agreement of all members by come up with and Positive Rewards and Negative Consequences together…

-Discuss the the rights of each member...

Ask how do we like to be treated?

What should happen if someone is not following instructions?

What does the Bible say?

Can God bless us if we are not love each other in action?

Discuss and involve the stake holders in the decision making but remember it still has to work and you have the chairperson’s vote and get to make the final decisions… Talk about what an individual wants and needs. Why should the student do their school work? What is in it for them?
You need to find a way for the student to get praise and attention from you for doing the right things and make sure that these right behaviours are clear to all.

Avoid making rash decisions or reacting when you are in the heat of the moment… Stick to the treaty or behaviour steps that you formulated while not in the emotional state that parents can be when confronted with an issue.

2. It is very helpful to make up a chart together showing cause and effect –where we end up if we work hard and where we end up in life if we are rude and/or lazy… In other words why do we do school work!

Ask:

Should we all help the family?

Should mum do everything?

Is it possible for mum to do everything?

The results for this will be a roster on the wall for jobs with clear instructions. The rule for assigning the duties is, that Mum should never do anything that can be done by someone else –She instead needs to be free to help and oversee the home school.

It is also good to have a weekly sign off for each student upon inspection which may go towards a reward.

Playing games like the sophisticated version of Simon Says you may have seen me play at a workshop when I am getting the children focused, is really a form of helpful brain washing to follow instructions. It is better than the worlds brainwashing to ignore your parents instructions.

If a student is starting to resist take two minutes to look back in the book showing work and talk positively about the progress that has been made. This may even be a good way to start the lesson by giving each student the opportunity to show from their work something they are proud of or shows they have made progress.

At the start of each day children can wake up and get into a set list of duties. If they are up at 6am and off running around before starting school at 9am they are usually already tied and it is hard to do the work as they have already had the reward?

3. Start the school day with a positive experience or fun activity –eg singing to the Lord fun songs and giving praise to the child for doing well singing.

Incorporate into your devotion together a time to encourage each other and talking about good things that the student has achieved previously. Children’s devotions need to teach on the importance of acting out our faith and what the Bible says reference behaviours that you are facing. Discuss scripture and guide them to see how the Bible suggests we should act. Celebrate your children’s positive qualities together. And be honest with your children about what God is helping you yourself to improve in and overcome.

4. Explain that when a child is holding you up and debating with you they are actually stealing time from everyone else in the family. Ask “What do you think God thinks about stealing from others?” Explain that if your time is wasted then you may not have time to cook dinner or time to take them swimming.

Ask, “When we act this way are we for God or against God?”

When ever bringing in a strong rebuke try to finish with a positive word, “come on that’s not the Susan I know and love, you’re better than that, God can help you…”

5. An extreme but powerful tool could be to Video Record a students’ difficult or silly behaviour displays and play it back for them to see how it looks or if they would like others to see them this way. This is very powerful as it stops the individual from being egocentric. Finish the analysis of behaviour by asking “is this good? Do you want to be an adult one day who carries on like this?”

I often remind students, “how we act when we are young determines who we will become as an adult. In a movie do you cheer for the baddy or the goodie? When you act in a bad way, are the crowd of witnesses that watch on from heaven cheering for you or saddened?”

6. Remember to build short 5 to 10 minute reward slots in between lesson or teaching blocks for students who have worked well… for many younger or male students a reward system that is daily –eg working towards a total of forty minutes of computer time, with 10 more minutes of access being allocated per school task is very powerful. (When talking about computer time we are talking about fun learning activities e.g. Google Sketchup, making an animation or film or educational games, not mindless or violent games)

If a student is working for something at the end of the week, a male student will probably give up saying, “stuff it, I will have my cake now tomorrow never comes…”

Also try to involve him in the decision making –e.g. “did you work hard –did you earn your reward time?”

7. Build the relationship pray together –read the bible together, if you are having trouble with staying on task, pray about it –get the student to pray for help and you agree with them.

8. Never get into an argument with a student or child and definitely try not to react. You are the boss and explain the relationship in that way. When the student goes out to work one day and if they carry on in a silly way they will probably lose their job and that is why you have to teach him to do the right thing –because you love them and want them to have a chance in life.

9. The real issue most of the time is not that the student is refusing to do their school work. This is just a situation that draws out the bad behaviour. The real issue is a lack of obedience. The student who is not following instructions is actually being disobedient and/or disrespectful to you the parent.

-I explain, “who carried them around in their tummy for 9 months, who wiped their bottom and changed their nappies, held and cared for them when they are sick and makes sure they are not hungry and are well feed..?”

This needs to be pointed out to children in clear terms.

Such behaviour in court, to a judge would lead to imprisonment…

Such behaviour in most work places leads to dismissal…

Such behaviour in my home means bed without dinner and a strong talk from Dad?

When we see a family that seems amazing, just remember, they have their moments also, and that the answer is not in their ability or the type of children… but rather in how much Jesus is in control or running things. The problem I see most commonly is not that the boy is refusing to do his work but that he has a bad attitude and is disobedient… Everyone is running around trying to get the boy to enjoy is work or make more effort instead of addressing the issue of disobedience.

Respect for Mums is not negotiable –if a child does not respect you then they will not do what you say…

Remember, respect is diminished by making threats that you often can not or will not keep. Instead, if there is an issue, refer to the Treaty consequences –step one, step two… Consequences that have been well thought out, instead of ideas that come into your head when you are emotionally in turmoil within the difficult situation.

10. Your student may also need to be taught alternative strategies for dealing with their frustration of not being able to do what they want and get their own way.

–“Do we try to hurt others just because we have a problem or don’t like to do something we have to?”

They may need to learn to talk about their feelings in a non confrontational way… step back from the situation and communicate looking back at the cause and effect chart.

Explain that you (Mother) may rather go for a trip to Bali for a week instead of cooking and cleaning or helping the family with school work –but instead you remember what is important for your family and the children’s futures and how much you love them…

I often explain to my own children that we all have to do things in life that we do not want to –it’s called “work” and it is not spelt “P –L-A-Y”. I explain, “If I do not teach you how to work hard then one day you will get a job and end up getting the sack… and will come home and blame me for not doing a good job of teaching you how to be successful for life…”

10. Remember, you are a the perfect parent for your child ordained by God to fulfill the most important calling in the world, “to be someone’s Mum or Dad”.

11. Warning to Mum’s - you are not allowed to beat yourself up! If something is not working get help and some practical solutions. Wallowing around in, “ I’m no good…”, “I cant do it…” is just a natural female attribution process but does not often lead to change and solution.

Instead remember “You can do all things through Christ Jesus who strengthens you” Philippians 4:13. Remind your children of this also…

12. Another key to see our children acting positively is for us to model this ourselves. This is sometimes a scary truth! I know in our family my children seem to pick up quickly my negative ways of communication with the family more quickly than my better behaviours. This seems so unfair but a reality that my wife has helped me to face.

Finally

Remember to put the energy in at the front end to have fun learning with your children rather than at the back end –“why have you not done this? –this is not good enough…” Avoid becoming a telling off machine. Remember, one positive has the power of three negatives.

You may need to take some time yourself first to write down your goals for schooling your children at home. Work out how much time you have per day to give your students? Make a “time tabled” time for school work to happen. –If you do not it will probably not happen. It will be better for you to do two and a half hours with your Child –really focusing on the work and learning, than for him to sit there ambling and bumbling for 4 hours…

Please take an hour or two out of your schooling time to put your treaty together as a family. Do not tack this activity on to a busy day but make it the most important learning activity and do not be afraid to revisit.

Please let me know how you get on.

Regards

Jason Caldwell